


i love you too much

by cacowhistle



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Hanahaki AU, I love it so much, M/M, SQUSBANDS, thats the ship name, ye it's hanahaki
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-26
Updated: 2017-07-27
Packaged: 2018-12-07 10:43:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11621886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cacowhistle/pseuds/cacowhistle
Summary: rich doesn't have a crush.he doesn't, he doesn't, he doesn't.oh god, yes he does.





	1. i live for your touch

The clock on the wall read 4:31, and Rich was sitting in the auditorium with Jake, Jenna, and Christine, going over lines for this year's show,  _ The Little Mermaid.  _ Rich got to play Flounder, and he was fucking  _ thrilled. _

"This is dumb. If she really had a crush on this guy, Ariel would just - fuckin' - ignore her father even  _ more  _ and swim up to the prince whenever he's nearby. Long distance relationship. Make it work. Dedicate yourself to this. Don't go make deals with a shady sea witch who probably killed your mother." Rich had his chin resting on his hand as he read over the lines, eyes half-lidded and the words tumbling out without thought. 

"But it's  _ love,  _ Rich! She  _ is  _ dedicated, she's giving up her voice for the prince!" Christine grinned at him from where she sat, perched on the back of the seat rather than in the seat itself, still going over her lines.

"Yeah, but at the very least she could've like, learned sign language or something - or fucking  _ written stuff down _ ? She knows how to write. She could've written what she wanted to say, she's a dumbass." He flipped the page, eyebrows furrowed.

Jake leaned back in his seat, snorting. "Crushes are dumb anyways."

"Says the guy with a crush on Dustin Kropp," Jenna piped up as she idly flipped through her script, smirking. Christine glanced over at Jake with wide eyes, giggling.

"Oh, shit, Jenna's revealing all sorts of good stuff today. Anything else to report, Jen-Jen?" She leaned forward eagerly, half-focused on the script, half-focused on Jenna. Her knee was bouncing as she turned the page of her script, going over the lines under her breath, head cocked to listen to Jenna.

They all knew that Jenna and Christine were hardcore pining for each other.

"Brooke and Chloe were making out in the girl's bathroom during lunch today. If you were wondering where they were. I had the brilliant luck to walk in as they were doing it." Jenna looked up at Rich and Jake, raising her eyebrows. "Wonder how much longer they're gonna last."

"Knowing Chloe, not long." Jake shut his script, leaning forward again, obviously done with trying to be productive - normal for him. "Although, it is Brooke."

"That's true." Rich flipped the pages of his script back and forth, gaze flicking over the words, but his mind not registering them. "It is Brooke. Chloe's head over heels for her, I'm sure they'll last for a good long while."

He was confident in his words - Brooke had loved Chloe for years, and Chloe had just started to return the sentiment. The two were  _ incredibly  _ happy and seemed to have everything they wanted. They planned to move up to Boston, get an apartment and two cats. They had everything planned out. They'd already started looking for places to move to. In the meantime, Chloe was staying at the Lohst household (well, the Lohst-Goranski household at this point - Rich lived there too, Ms. Lohst knew his dad was shitty and had taken him in almost immediately. She was a goddamn angel in Rich's eyes). They all knew Chloe's parents wouldn't approve of the relationship.

Rich loved Brooke like a little sister, and so naturally he had to threaten Chloe. If she hurt Brooke, Rich would be hunting her down and beating the shit out of her. Of course, he knew Chloe would never try to hurt Brooke on purpose, and that thought calmed him a little. Nobody in the Lohst house would actively try to hurt anybody. It had not been that way in his old house. He was relieved to be out of that shithole. He was loved in the Lohst house. They cared about him - all of his friends actually  _ cared  _ about him. It was nice. It was really, really,  _ really  _ nice.

Rich snapped back to attention at a hand waving in his face, and he snapped at it. Christine jerked her hand back, rolling her eyes. "We were talking to you, dumbass."

He shook his head, blinking away his previous daze. He got lost in his thoughts like that far too often for his liking. "Sorry, sorry. What were you saying?"

"We wanna know who  _ you, _ " Christine jabbed him in the chest, and he yelped, "have a crush on."

Rich rolled his eyes. "Chris, I don't have a crush on anybody. We've been over this. Several times."

"Liar." Jake didn't even look up, he was flipping through his script again. Rich shot a glare his way.

"You're the one lying," He retorted, rolling his eyes.

As he spoke, his eyes flicked up as Jeremy and Michael walked into the theater, talking. He found himself staring for much too long as Jeremy laughed at something Michael had said. The boy buried his face in his hand, shoulders shaking, eyes bright. Upon realizing that he was, in fact, staring, Rich jerked his gaze away, knowing that he'd probably gone red. He felt like his heart was crawling up his throat as Jeremy and Michael walked over, and he gripped the hem of his tank top with his hands.

Shit, he didn't have a crush on Jeremy, did he? It wouldn't be a bad thing if he did, he just… didn't think he had any crushes at the moment. Shit, maybe he was wrong. He coughed into his hand, the coughs harsh and grating against his throat. He was surprised that it hurt so much. Maybe he was just getting sick, who knew?

He looked down at his hand, his heart stopping at the three smooth, white petals that rested in his palm. He swallowed nervously, tongue darting around his mouth, running over his teeth as if searching for other petals that might've gotten stuck in his mouth. Upon finding none, he hastily shoved the petals into his pocket, trying to pretend that nothing had happened. He was fine, he was sure of it. People had probably randomly coughed up flowers before. He'd eaten flowers on a dare before. He'd done it the other day because Michael had bet him ten dollars he wouldn't do it. They made plenty of bets like that.

Well, Rich "Is That A Goddamn Challenge" Goranski went home with ten dollars that day (and Brooke "My Brother Is A Trainwreck" Lohst judged him for eating those flowers).

He was snapped out of his confused haze by a voice. "Rich? You okay over there? You look like you're gonna get sick." Michael furrowed his eyebrows in concern as Rich hesitated with his response.

"Yeah, I'm fine." He flashed a smile, hoping it was reassuring.  _ I already am sick. _

He pushed that thought away.

His confidence practically vanished as Christine spoke up. "Hey, Michael, we're talking about crushes. We want the dirt, who are you into?"

Rich found himself getting nauseous at the mere thought of crushes, and looking at Jeremy just made his head spin. His heart was pounding, the sound in his ears getting louder, and louder, and  _ louder,  _ and eventually it was too much as Jeremy began to answer the question. Rich didn't want to hear it - he didn't, he didn't, he  _ didn't.  _ He kept himself calm on his exterior, but inside he was a disaster. His thoughts were swirling and buzzing, raging like a thunderstorm, panicked and tangled and mixed up. He tried to keep himself steady, not wanting to cause a scene or something.

So. He liked Jeremy. That was a fact. Did he like Jeremy as more than a friend? He still wasn't sure.

At least, he wasn't sure until he looked up at Jeremy again, who was grinning, face flushed red from embarrassment as Michael droned on about something - probably something stupid, not that Rich cared. And Rich felt himself getting lost in those blue-gray eyes, and he cursed himself inwardly. Oh  _ god _ , he was so fucked, he was _ so fucked.  _ He was a gay mess right now, that's what he was. He forced himself to look down at the script in his hands. Hoping for a distraction, he tried to focus on the words, focus on  _ something  _ before he got lost in his thoughts (and Jeremy) again. Anything to get his mind off of Jeremy and his budding crush.

"Rich, dude, are you sure you're okay?" It was Jake this time, and the conversation had come to a halt as everyone noticed how strange he was acting.

Rich forced a smile. "Been… sitting for too long. Gettin' kinda restless. I might take a walk to the costume closet and chill for a bit." That was a believable lie, right? And maybe he could find out if Jeremy currently had any crushes or not.

"Sounds good, dude." Jeremy tilted his head. "Want someone to come with you?" He ignored how his heart pounded when Jeremy spoke, at how his hair flopped down over his eyes when he tilted his head like that.

His gaze flicked over the group, and his eyes landed on Jenna. He grinned. "I'll take the Jen-meister with me. If she wants to come, that is."

The girl looked slightly taken aback but shrugged. "Sure, why not. Y'all are wearing out the conversation. We get it, Jake has a crush on Ed Sheeran."

Christine giggled, rolling her eyes (she was so into Jenna). Jake just groaned, burying his face in his hands. "You're all terrible people. I make a joke  _ one time, one fucking time. _ "

"Say that to the Ed Sheeran poster in your closet. I have pictures." Rich laughed, getting to his feet. "Alright. C'mon, Jen. Racks of shittily organized costumes await."

Jenna stood up as well, leaving her script behind as the two wandered in the direction of the costume closet. Jenna was the first to speak on the way there, although Rich barely heard what she said, and just hummed in response.

"Rich, dude, that's not an answer. Why the hell did you ask me to come along?"

They entered the costume closet, and Rich began to sift through costumes, busying his hands - a distraction, something to keep him occupied so he could keep it together. "Uh, I - what do you know about Jeremy? Like, relationship wise? Who he dated, all that stuff. If he - uh, likes anybody now?"

Jenna looked offended, scowling. "What, you brought me along just to get information out of me? That's shitty, Rich. Just ask him yourself."

Rich felt his chest tighten at the mere thought. "No, no, I'm sorry. It was pretty shitty of me, Jen, but - but it's important. It's really fucking important." He coughed twice into his hand, shoving the slick white petals in his pocket again.

Jenna looked at him with a strange expression for a moment - bordering on concern, curiosity, and nervousness all at once. "Uh - okay." Her face twisted back into a scowl, and she started listing information. "He dated Brooke for two months, Christine for five, and he briefly dated Michael for three weeks. Happy?"

Rich felt his heart race. He liked guys. Thank fuck, he was into guys,  _ praise the goddamn lord he was into guys.  _ "Almost. Is he dating anybody now? Have any crushes?"

Jenna shook her head, and Rich felt almost relieved for a few moments. He could actually do it. He had a slight chance. "Thank you so much, Jen. This - this is really helpful."

She frowned, studying him for a moment. "If you don't mind my asking, why do you care about this?"

Rich hesitated, debating on whether or not he should tell the truth. He opted not to. "Uh. Not really a specific reason. Just… curious."

The girl raised an eyebrow, obviously not believing him. "You're a shit liar, Richard."

Rich forced a smile at his full name, gritting his teeth. "I'm not lying, Jen. I'm just curious."

He didn't like this. He had a crush, yes, and he was okay with that - but something felt off. Something about how tight his chest felt, something about how he could hear the tiniest hint of a wheeze in between each breath he took, something about the coughing and the flowers - it all rubbed him the wrong way, something was just… wrong. And he couldn't figure out what, he couldn't put it together - it was frustrating him.

He shoved a few more petals into his pocket.


	2. i whisper your name

Rich stared down at the toilet bowl, at the mess of flower petals (and even one whole flower). It was beginning to get worse, and he didn't know what he was supposed to do. He coughed again, the sound deep and painful, reverberating in his chest. Another flower came out, and he nearly choked on the stem. Another few minutes passed in silence, and he stood. He flushed the toilet, watching the petals vanish. Nobody would know. At least not yet. He didn't plan on letting people know until he knew what was wrong with him.

He still hadn't done any research on it. He didn't particularly want to know what it was. The idea that he was actually sick with something potentially dangerous made him paranoid and nervous. He left the bathroom.

Rich entered the living room, plopping down on the couch next to Jake. Chloe and Brooke sat on the floor, cuddled up next to each other. Chloe flashed a grin at Rich.

"Glad you decided to join us, Goranski."

"Good to see you too, Chlo."

Rich could smell something delicious from the kitchen - nice, he wasn't eating shitty leftovers tonight. Ms. Lohst's cooking was fucking amazing. He was barely listening to the conversation around him, Brooke going on about something school-related while petting Chloe's cat. The little animal was content, curled up in the blonde's lap and purring. He tuned back in, only for his chest and throat to tighten at the conversation's topic.

"So when is Jenna going to ask out Christine? Like, come on, just kiss already." Brooke grinned, and Rich felt nauseous.

"I know, right? It's ridiculous, they're totally oblivious to each other's feelings!" Chloe was eager to talk about this, it seemed, and Rich was finding it harder and harder to breathe.

"Can we talk about something  _ interesting _ ?" The words tumbled out without thought. He needed a distraction, something to get his mind off of Jeremy.  _ Don't think about Jeremy, do  _ **_not_ ** _ think about Jeremy. _

"Hey, I think this is plenty interesting." Brooke was still petting the cat in her lap.

"Not really. It's always the same old topic with you guys. These two are getting together, these two are crushing on each other, these two broke up, blah blah blah, shitty teenage romance and drama." He held back a cough.  _ Not now. _

"You don't have to take part in the conversation." Chloe frowned at him, and he just shook his head, pulling his phone out as he leaned back.

Maybe he could get some information on whatever was happening to him. He looked up the words 'coughing up flower petals', and began to scroll through the results. A link caught his eye - Hanahaki disease. He'd heard of it. He knew it was uncommon, but not rare among kids his age. He began to read, a feeling of dread settling in the pit of his stomach.

_ 'Hanahaki disease is an illness among teenagers and young adults where the victim regurgitates or coughs up flowers and flower petals when they suffer from unrequited love.' _

His heart skipped a beat, and he forced himself to stay calm as he continued to read the article.

_ 'The illness can only be cured through surgical removal, however any existing romantic feelings and memories of the person are removed with the infection. If the victim does not get the treatment, they will most likely die unless the feelings are reciprocated.' _

No, oh  _ fuck  _ no. That couldn't be it. That wasn't it. Rich couldn't be fucking  _ dying  _ because he had a stupid little crush on someone. He didn't want to think about it, he didn't want to think about it at all. He rubbed at his eyes, hoping nobody would notice as he pushed back tears. They just continued to talk in the background. He continued to look for more information. It was like there was nothing else on it - it was deadly, he'd cough up flowers, maybe blood as it got worse, and that was it. There was something about a more severe version of Hanahaki, involving trees instead of flowers, but Rich knew that he'd been coughing up flower petals. He would know if there was a tree growing out of his lungs (ouch, that sounded painful. Well, so was this, but still).

So. He had this because he had a crush on Jeremy? Unrequited love. Shit, he knew he didn't really have a chance with Jeremy, but still. This just made it even worse.

No. He didn't have a crush on Jeremy. He definitely did not have a crush on Jeremy. He didn't have a crush on anybody, let alone him. He didn't plan on dating anyone in the near future, not at all.  _ He did not have a crush on Jeremy,  _ there was no way in hell he was going to admit it to himself. Maybe it'd become true the more he said it. He didn't have this disease because of Jeremy.

Jeremy would feel terrible if he knew.

He needed to stop thinking about him, but he could already feel the flower trying to force its way out. His hand flew to his mouth as he tried to hold back the cough. Not here, not in front of Brooke and Chloe and Jake.

He gagged, gaining the other's attention. He spat the flower out into his hand, fingers curling around it into a fist. He'd started shaking as it fell silent in the room, the other three staring at him and the flower. He dropped it, watching it slowly drift to the floor in a sort of daze, eyes half lidded and mouth parted slightly, as if he were going to cough up another one any second now.

He didn't look up at Brooke or Chloe or Jake. He just continued to stare down at the flower, nudging it with his toe, swallowing the fear.

"Rich," Brooke began slowly, and he lifted his head to look at her, "how long has this been going on for?"

He shrugged weakly, his voice hoarse when he spoke. "A week."

Chloe leaned forward, peering at the flower. "Hanahaki disease, huh?" She pulled out her phone, typing something in, continuing to glance at the flower.

He nodded, feeling almost numb. He coughed into his hand again, dropping the petals like they were poisonous, or on fire or something. He buried his face in his hands, exhausted. He didn't want to deal with this right now, he just wanted to be left alone. Alone with his stupid thoughts about the stupid flowers and Jeremy.

"Rich, who is it?" Jake's voice snapped him out of the exhausted haze, and he just shook his head.

"Rich, come on,  _ please. _ " Jake put a hand on his back. "It's important." Rich shook his head again.

"I'm not telling you." He swallowed back more petals, shoulders hunching.

"Michael?" Jake continued anyways, and Rich scowled.

"No."

"Uh… me?"

"Jake, you would know if it was you. I'm not going to tell you who it is." He snapped, glaring up at the taller boy.

Chloe spoke up. "You're coughing up gardenias. Just looked it up. They symbolize all sorts of shit. Trust, hope, love - duh, renewal, there's more but I'm not gonna list it all." She glanced up at Rich.

"Cool, good to know that I'm going to die because I'm coughing up gardenias. That's real useful, Chlo." He still wasn't going to tell anyone.

"Is it even a guy?" Jake was back at prodding at him for answers.

He snapped. "Why does it matter? I don't even have a chance. He's too nice, and I'm probably the biggest asshole in the fucking school." He stood up, nauseous at the sight of the flowers on the floor.

He stormed upstairs to his room, slamming the door behind him and collapsing on his bed. He spat out a few flowers into the trash can, glaring down at them. This was stupid, this was so fucking  _ stupid.  _ His hands curled into fists and he tried to refrain from throwing something - or just breaking something in general. He knew he needed to calm down, but before he knew what he was doing, he'd already thrown a pillow across the room. It hit the wall and fell to the floor with a  _ thump. _

He sat down on his bed, letting out a frustrated snarl as he buried his face in his hands. He couldn't do this, he couldn't fucking  _ do this. _

He flopped down on his back, staring at the ceiling. He felt himself slowly getting lost in his thoughts, and before he knew it there was a small pile of flowers next to him on the bed as he coughed them up, thinking about Jeremy. Great. He nearly choked on the stem of one, tearing it out of his mouth with his own hand, flinging it across the room.

Rich looked up at a knock on his door, but he didn't respond.

"Rich, honey, it's just me." Ms. Lohst. It was Ms. Lohst. "I have dinner for you, if you want it."

He sat up after a moment, not bothering to throw away the flowers still sitting on his bed. He ran a hand through his hair, walking over to the door and unlocking it before flopping down on the bed again.

Ms. Lohst came in with a plate, and she put it down on his desk, sitting on the edge of his bed. He looked over at her, frowning.

"Rich, you need to tell us who it is."

Oh.

"No."

Ms. Lohst frowned at him, scooting closer. Her eyes landed on the flowers, and her expression turned sympathetic. "Full flowers already, kiddo?"

At his nod, she shook her head. "I'm sorry, sweetheart. I wish there was something I could do."

That was when he began to break down. He tried to wipe the tears away, not wanting Ms. Lohst to see him cry. He was fine, he would be fine. If he told himself that enough it would become true. But Ms. Lohst noticed the tears, and held out her arms.

"Come're, kiddo."

He hesitated, then practically flung himself into her arms, breaking down in quiet, hiccuping sobs. She wrapped her arms around him, rocking back and forth gently, whispering words of comfort.

_ "I know, shh, it's alright. You're going to be okay." _

He wanted to scream at her that  _ no it wasn't, it was quite the opposite of alright.  _ Instead, he just continued to cry.

"I-it's Jeremy."

"Hm?" Ms. Lohst pulled back the tiniest bit, looking down at him.

Rich swallowed. "It's Jeremy. He's - he's the one."

Understanding flashed across Ms. Lohst's expression, and she nodded. "Ah." After a moment of hesitation, she continued. "Rich, I don't want to see you hurt, but I also don't want to see you forget about Jeremy. He's a good kid - you're a good kid. You both don't deserve that."

"I don't want it either." His voice was weak, and he was still tucked against Ms. Lohst. He sniffled.

"Please let your friends help you."

He looked up, shaking his head. "I - they can't, what can they do?"

Ms. Lohst gave him a weak attempt at a smile. "Just trust them, they can help."

Rich hesitated, then his shoulders sagged in defeat. "Okay."

She smiled a little more genuinely this time. "Eat your dinner, and then go tell your friends. I love you, Rich."

A moment of hesitation, and then - "Love you too, mom."

**Author's Note:**

> wooooooo more fics. because i needed another project. this one's gonna be shorter than the rest of my works.


End file.
